Month: April 2018

“I hope Daddy doesn’t tear down my house while we’re gone,” my 3-year-old said to me on the way home from the library. He had used some connector pieces to build a little house right before we’d left. “Oh honey, Daddy wouldn’t tear down your house. He’s a builder. He builds houses,” I replied.

But then I got to thinking. Well, technically, Daddy does tear down houses (or parts of them) sometimes. In our line of work, we not only build new houses, we also flip, fix, renovate, and restore them.

I continued talking with my 3-year-old. “Whenever Daddy demolishes parts of houses, it’s so that he can rebuild them, to make them better, stronger, cleaner and more beautiful.”

As soon as I finished speaking, I felt like God was telling me that I had not only just described my husband and what he does, I had just described God and what He does.

I immediately thought back to my study of the book of Hebrews. In chapter 11, when exemplifying Abraham’s faith, verse 10 says, “For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.”

Originator. Creator. Maker. Designer. Builder.

Earlier in the book of Hebrews we read, “Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything.” (Hebrews 3:3-4)

Have you ever taken a drive in a neighborhood of beautiful houses? If you’re like me, you focus on the exterior beauty of the house, the detail of the finishes, the overall form of it. You think, “wow, what a gorgeous house!”  But in reality, the house shouldn’t get the credit for looking the way it does. The builder should.

Hebrews 3 goes on to say that “…we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory,” (emphasis mine). We are God’s house and He might very well be in a process of demo-ing parts of us that need to be renovated or restored.

If you watch the popular TV show, Fixer Upper, with Chip and Joanna Gaines, you know Chip’s favorite day of the renovation is DEMO DAY! But when it comes to God doing some demo in my life…it’s definitely not my favorite day.

Every time I go to one of our houses in the midst of the demo phase, I’m continually astounded by the amount of debris, dirt and dust. I always wonder, “isn’t there a cleaner way to do demo?” Unfortunately, demolition is just messy. There is no way around it. When you break down, tear down and destroy, a mound of rubble is inevitable.

However, in the midst of the rubble, there is a vision and a hope of a restored house.

So how can we be radiant while God is doing  some demo work in our lives?

I wrestled with this question because demo-ing a house is one thing, but it’s a whole other thing when it comes to a person and that person is you. However, I think if we keep a few things in mind, we’ll be able to maintain some level of radiance as we go through it.

Our tendency might be to grumble and complain about it – to ask, “why?” But if we are thinking rightly about what God is really doing (keeping the end in mind), it will impact our attitude.

The first thing we need to remember and keep at the forefront of our minds in the midst of demo is that God is a Builder. And sometimes builders have to do dirty, dusty demo work before they can create a beautiful, finished product.

The second thing to remember is that God does not destroy or tear down for the malicious fun of it (like my 1-year-old). His purpose in chiseling away different areas of our life (usually sin areas or areas where we could grow) is to replace them with something new – to renew us. Think of King David in Psalm 51: 10, “Create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Think of John the Baptist when he said about Jesus, “He must become greater; I must become less.” (John 3:30)

The third thing to remember and give us hope in the midst of demo is that “…he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 1:6) He’s not one who starts a renovation project and allows it to sit there indefinitely. He is a faithful Finisher. 

So if you are in the middle of a “demo” time in your life, may you have hope that God is in the process of renewing you.

As we seek to be radiant this week, let us remember that Daddy is a Builder.

 

 

 

 

In our series on marriage and relationships, I believe I have saved the best for last. In the last installment of my interview with Alisa Grace, Consultant to Biola University’s Center for Marriage and Relationships, she shares some sage advice for those who are struggling in their marriage, those who are looking for more emotional intimacy with their spouse and the one thing that has made the most difference in her own marriage.

Here is my question to Alisa: For women really struggling in their marriages right now, where should they start? What should they do?

As I read her reply, I was shocked at how long unhappy couples wait to get help.

Here is her reply:
1. Seek outside help. Unfortunately, most couples wait much too long to reach out for
help repairing their marriage. According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help.
Think about that for a moment. Couples have six years to build up resentment before
they begin the important work of learning to resolve differences in effective ways.

Couples counseling can be beneficial for a number of reasons. Terry Gaspard, a licensed clinical social worker, offers these thoughts:

• If toxic relationship patterns can be identified early and agreed upon, the process
  of real change can begin.
• A motivated couple can begin to explore their problems from a new perspective
  and learn new ways to recognize and resolve conflicts as a result of the tools
  provided by the therapist.
• Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication that may have
  eroded the quality of their interactions.
• A couples counselor can provide “neutral territory” to help couples agree upon and work through tough issues with support.

2. Intentionally add more positive interactions with your husband. Research shows
happy couples practice the 5 to 1 Ratio – for every negative interaction with your
partner, add five positive ones. This helps create a full “love bank” of appreciation,
affection and acknowledgement that you can make a withdrawal from in times of a
negative interaction without bankrupting your relationship.  

3. Spend time together actively building your friendship. Do some of the same
activities you did when you were dating. Gottman says that friendship is the glue that
can hold a marriage together: “Couples who know each other intimately [and] are well
versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams are couples
who make it.” Text sweet messages to your husband. When he talks, really pay
attention and listen to him without giving advice or correction.

When you or he comes home from work, greet him at the door with a big smile, a hug and quick kiss, saying, “Hi! I’m so glad you’re home!” Even though you may not actually feel that way right now, research shows that our emotions tend to follow our behaviors. So if you behave more affectionate and loving, you’ll soon start to feel that way. You may even find that your husband begins to reciprocate after a while.

My husband and I try to always greet each other warmly when one of us arrives home. Even if we’ve had a crazy, stressful or otherwise frazzling kind of day, we want the other person to feel loved when they walk in the door. We also encourage our kids to be excited that Daddy or Mommy is home. It shows them that we value each other.

Knowing that couples don’t always feel very connected at an emotional level, I asked Alisa, How can couples try to deepen their emotional intimacy?

Here is her reply:
I would recommend reading, “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof
Marriage,” by Dr. Willard Harley. In his book he identifies the 10 most vital emotional
needs of men and women and shows spouses how to meet those needs for each other.
This particular book has been transformational in my own marriage!

Here is my last question for Alisa:  What’s one thing that has made the most difference in your own marriage?

Here is her reply:
PRAYER! Prayer changes things; prayer changes me. One prayer can change anything; one prayer can change everything! And you just might be one prayer away from a different marriage.

Proverbs 14: 1 says, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own
hands tears it down.” My good friend, Erin Smalley, program manager of marriage
ministries at Focus on the Family, offered six great reasons of why it’s important to pray
for your marriage and your husband:

1. Prayer reflects the intimate relationship you have with your husband. You are the only one on this earth who knows him at his core. You can look across the room and tell when he has something on his mind; you can detect when he is stressed; you know his weaknesses and where the Enemy would like to go after him. You can pray about his challenges and for the Lord to protect him, shield him, expand his wisdom and develop his convictions.
2. Prayer builds intimacy and oneness in your marriage. Because oneness is the superpower of marriage, the Enemy loves to sow discord between a husband and wife. As a wife, you get to stand against the Enemy by pursuing Greg through prayer. It also helps to build your relationship with the Lord at the same time it strengthens your relationship with your husband.
3. Prayer sends a strong message that your husband is a priority in your life. You have soccer practice, basketball games, doctors appointments, haircuts — you get my drift. But, when your husband knows that you see him and you are praying for him, it sends a strong message that you value him and he is a priority in your life.
4. Prayer softens your heart and adjusts your view of my husband. When you go before the Lord in humble prayer, your heart softens and you find your strong, prideful opinions soften as well. You begin to see beyond the negative conclusions about your husband that you often jump to.
5. Prayer helps your husband. The Holy Spirit works in miraculous ways. Although we can’t fully explain how, you know that God is faithful and He helps when you pray for your husband to have wisdom, conviction or insight. Wives were created to be helpmates — what better way to be a helper than to pray for your husband?
6. Prayer builds your husband up. Sometimes it’s much easier to notice what your husband is not doing rather than acknowledging what he is doing. Praying for him is a way you can personally affirm him. You get to build up your husband with your words instead of tearing him down.

One of my own favorite scriptures is Psalm 116: 1:
“I love the LORD because He hears and He answers my prayers. Because He
bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.”

God hears. God listens. God answers. God cares…deeply.

So don’t give up. Don’t lose hope. Keep praying.

In our quest to be radiant in our marriages, let’s remember Alisa’s words, “You just might be one prayer away from a different marriage!”

 

Would you like a little encouragement for your stage of marriage right now? How about knowing what you could do today to improve your marriage? If so, then keep reading my interview with Alisa Grace in this “Mid-week Mini” post.

I asked Alisa: What is one line of advice you would give to women at different stages in their marriages?

Here is her reply:

Women in their first year of marriage:  Now is the time to start laying a strong
foundation of healthy habits in your marriage. Attend a marriage retreat/conference at
least once a year from now on!

Married with young kids:  Time alone together is a must: Spend at least 30 minutes per
day alone together and keep dating each other regularly!

Married with teenagers:  Just remember: This too shall pass.

Empty-nesters:  Couples that engage in new activities together report greater levels of
marital happiness. Try some new activities or explore new locations together.  

I also asked Alisa:  What is one thing wives could do today that would improve their marriages?

Here is her reply:

Get past feeling that you have to have the perfect body for your husband to find you
beautiful, sexy and attractive! Nothing could be less true! And nothing can be more
damaging to your own self-esteem as a woman as when you’re overly critical of your
body.

While it is true that we do need to take care of ourselves, eat well and get a reasonable amount of regular sleep and activity to be healthy, our men do not need us to look like supermodels in order to find us desirable! In fact, according to Harvard researcher Shaunti Feldhan, a majority of men report that they would be exquisitely happy to have a wife who is sweet and an enthusiastic partner in the bedroom! (Notice, I did not list having a thin, cellulite-free or stretchmark-free body!)

So go ahead and flirt with him. Send him sexy messages by text. And initiate sex with
him at least twice a week (maybe even with the closet light on!) for the next 30 days
and see the difference it makes in your marriage. Research shows that when wives
initiate sexual intimacy or are enthusiastically responsive when their husbands do, that
our men feel more loved, more desirable and like they can take on the world!

What an incredible amount of power we wives hold over the well-being of our husbands! And chances are, when we approach him with that kind of positive, anticipatory mind-set,
we’re going to enjoy intimacy a whole lot more, too! That’s a win-win for both of us!

What a valuable reminder (and maybe one we need to repeat to ourselves regularly) from Alisa that we do not need to have “thin, cellulite-free or stretchmark-free bodies for our husbands to find us desirable.” Can I just tell you how encouraging I find that? After turning 40 and having 2 children, let’s just say that my metabolism isn’t what it used to be. However, I know without a doubt that my husband cares infinitely more about me and our relationship than he does about my metabolism.

In our quest to be radiant this week, let’s intentionally take steps to strengthen our marriages.

If you have lost your spouse, would you consider praying about who you know who might need some encouragement in their marriage right now and reaching out to that person?

If you are unmarried, tuck this advice away because it may very well come in handy someday (for you or for someone else who needs to hear it.).

 

 

 

Last fall, my husband and I took the kids on a trip to California. The plane ride went remarkably well. The car ride, however, did not.

It was only supposed to be a four-hour trip. While that would have been challenging enough with two small children, it turned into an excruciating, blood-pressure-raising-seven-hour trip.

About four hours into it, the 3-year-old starts getting whinny. Then the 5-month-old starts getting fussy. Uh oh. His cries start to escalate. I’m sitting in the back of the van, seatbelt fully extended, trying to reach my baby’s hands to calm him down. It’s not working. I’m starting to feel helpless here. What a horrible feeling!

Meanwhile, navigation has totally led us astray and we are in bumper to bumper LA traffic. Could it go any slower? The crying gets louder and my blood pressure gets higher. My husband asks from the front, “Babe, do you think we should get off here?” I hear my not so gracious response, “JUST TAKE THE EXIT!”

Let’s just say that was not one of my more radiant moments.

Sometimes it’s hardest to be radiant in our very own marriages and in our relationships, isn’t it?

Since we are on a quest to be radiant, I thought I would seek out the help of an expert. If you saw my post, Marriage, Part 1, then you know I interviewed Alisa Grace, Consultant for Biola University’s Center for Marriage and Relationships. She has some really helpful and practical tools for us.

So without further ado, here is the next installment of my interview with Alisa.

I asked Alisa, “What might we be doing unwittingly to undermine our relationships?”

Here is her insightful response:

Research shows that we tend to interpret each other’s responses or behaviors as
more negative than the other person actually intended them – and this is
especially true during a conflict. In other words, we tend to assume the worst of
the other person and assign much more negative intentions instead assuming
the best.

I know I’ve been guilty of this at times. Have you? It’s so easy to just immediately assume the worst, isn’t it?

Alisa went on to share:
In healthy relationships, two people are willing to give each other the benefit of
the doubt and assume the other had the best of intentions.

Say my husband walks in the door after work and is a little bit snippy or short with me. I can assume he’s mad at me for some reason or even that he’s just being a jerk. Or…I
can choose to assume that perhaps something happened at work that caused
him some distress, frustration or pain.

Either he’s late for dinner because I assume he’s thoughtless and inconsiderate, or instead I choose to consider that he may be late for dinner because he had a car problem or perhaps someone stopped him as he was walking out the door with an issue that had to be
addressed immediately.

Negative assumptions prime the pump for conflict, misperceptions,
misinterpretations, and create an environment where your spouse feels
untrusted and unfairly judged. In other words, it sets you up as adversaries and
opponents.

In contrast, when you choose to give each other the benefit of the doubt and
assume the best of your spouse, you come into the conversation with much
more patience, empathy and understanding for the other person, thus creating an environment of emotional safety and compassion. This approach is much
more likely to make you feel positive toward your husband, like you are
teammates and helpmates.

I love how Alisa noted that it’s a choice on our part. We don’t have to give in to any kind of inclination to react negatively, and assume the worst. We can instead choose to respond positively and assume the best. What a valuable principle, not just for our marriages, but for relationships in general.

I also love the idea of “creating an environment of emotional safety and compassion.” That is definitely the kind of environment I want to have in my home, with my husband, my family and friends.

Alisa goes on to share something else that we sometimes tend to do that could undermine our relationships, and it involves our attention.

As women, we also think we’re good at multi-tasking. I can do the dishes, answer
my daughter’s homework questions and write a blog all at the same time. Or at
least I think I can.

One time I was folding some laundry when my husband came into the bedroom, sat down on the bed and began telling me a story about his day at work. As he talked and talked, I continued to fold and fold. Suddenly I noticed he had stopped talking. I quickly looked up to find him waiting patiently for me to look up at him. Although I truly was listening, by looking at the laundry as I continued to fold it, he felt like I wasn’t really listening to him. He said that although he knew I was listening, when I didn’t stop and make eye contact with him, it made him feel like the laundry was more important to me than him.
Ouch!

Research shows that humans are actually pretty bad at multi-tasking. The way our memories work, we only remember that to which we pay attention. For example, have you ever taken a shower and been so deep in thought that you couldn’t remember if you washed your hair? 
We can make others feel ignored, unheard and unimportant when we don’t give them our full attention during a conversation. Sometimes, we just have to ask ourselves, “Which is more important to me: getting the laundry done or my husband? Finishing this email or my child?”

So, set the work report aside, put down the cell phone and look the other person right in the eye while they’re talking. And really listen to them! There aren’t many more powerful ways to communicate to someone, “I love you and you are more important to me than anything else!”

I never want my husband or other loved ones to feel ignored, unheard or unimportant. But I confess that I often find it challenging to always stop what I’m doing and give them my full attention. I suppose it’s a bit of a Mary vs. Martha thing.  I’m especially bad at this while doing the dishes. I can be carrying on a conversation, nodding my head, “uh huh-ing” but only making minimal eye contact. How sad (and convicting) to realize that I might be making someone feel unheard or unimportant when I do that.

In my quest to be radiant this week (and on-going), I’m going to make an extra effort to give others the benefit of the doubt. I’m also going to try to give people my full attention (as much as I can with two young children running around).

Please share your thoughts and comments below! Alisa and I would love to hear from you!

.

Before I got married, one of my friends was trying to help me understand the reality that takes place after the honeymoon ends. She began by saying, “the first year of marriage is hard.” I nodded, having heard that before. Then she went on to say, “and the second year of marriage is hard.” I’m thinking, “oh wow, okay, I guess I’ll prepare myself for that.” Then she continued, “and the third year is hard.” Now by this time, I’m thinking, “hmm, how was this little talk supposed to help me again?”

I actually didn’t find the first year of marriage to be hard at all. My husband and I adjusted unusually well to our new life together. However, I know that’s not true for many women. And as the years go on, the struggles can begin to build.

Could you benefit from some words of wisdom when it comes to strengthening your marriage? Would you like to join me in discovering how to be a little more radiant in our marriages? If so, keep reading because I interviewed an expert. Let me introduce you to her.

Alisa Grace serves as a consultant to the Biola University Center for Marriage and
Relationships where she also co-teaches a class with her husband, Chris, on Christian
perspectives on marriage and relationships. Together they teach, speak, blog and do
research on how to build and sustain healthy relationships by combining the timeless truths of Scripture with scholarly insights. Every year they speak nation-wide to thousands of married couples, college students, singles and churches—on topics like
communication, conflict, dating and marriage – sharing foundational and practical insights on enhancing intimacy.
While she speaks regularly on topics such as dating relationships, marriage and love, she
also loves mentoring younger women and newly married couples, speaking at retreats
and providing premarital counseling. She also previously served as the associate
teaching director for Community Bible Study in Fullerton, CA. Alisa and Chris live in the
Southern California area with their three children, Drew and his wife Julia, Natalie and
her husband Neil, and their unexpected blessing – Caroline.

In my interview with Alisa, I asked her what is one of the top issues couples face. Here is her reply:

One of the most frequent complaints we hear from couples about their relationship
revolves around the lack of time alone together. This can be particularly true for
couples that have kids. Especially during the first five years of starting a family, they
tend to put their relationship on the back burner.

While couples with young children may spend more time together, it’s usually less time alone together. Their conversations tend toward the functional (“We have a parent/teacher meeting after school today”), as opposed to relational (“How are you doing today? I’m so glad you’re home!”) As a result, bitterness and disconnect infiltrate their marriages, feelings of loneliness develop, and couples oftentimes perceive that they have suffered a great loss ­– their best friend.

I don’t know about you, but as a mom of two small children, I can certainly relate to a lack of alone time with my hubby. It can be challenging to find that time together or make it a priority.

Alisa went on to say:
Feeling disconnected from your spouse is a warning sign that your schedule is out of
control, and your relationship is in danger of growing apart. In other words, if you’re too
busy to find time alone together, you’re too busy!

The good news is that most couples don’t need major changes to positively impact their relationship.

Research shows that couples that spend at least 30 minutes a day alone together have better marriages. Other research shows that spending just five hours
more together per week moves couples from striving to thriving. In fact, it is small,
positive actions, done frequently, that make the biggest difference. Couples just need to
find a little more time together in order for their relationship to get back on track,
reconnect and flourish.

Wow, who knew that just 30 minutes a day alone together could make that much of an impact? I think 30 minutes sounds doable. Do you?

Here’s how Alisa suggests creating more time in your schedule.

Four Practical Steps to Create More Time Together
1. Write down and discuss your current schedules and activities. Note the amount
of time per week you each spend on each activity.

2. Divide all listed activities into two categories:
A. Non Negotiable (static items you can’t really change, such as the need to
work and earn a living):
 Work
 School
 Childcare
 Church
B. Negotiable (those activities that can be changed/altered):

     How much work (overtime/# of days per week/weekends)
 How much school (number of units/classes taken)
 Time spent on volunteer activities, ministries, etc.
 Time spent on technology: Social media, TV, video games, cell phone, etc.
 Time spent on hobbies
 Time spent socially with friends/extended family
 Time spent on children’s activities (sports, activities, entertainment, volunteering in classrooms, coaching, etc.)

3. Pray over it and decide which of your own negotiable activities should be either
curtailed in length/frequency or perhaps even discontinued completely.
Depending on your starting point, shoot for an equal amount of give and take for
both of you. However, if you’re the one that is over-committed, you may need to
trim a bit more from your own list than your spouse.

4. Set a timetable of 30 days to enact the changes in both your schedules. At the
end of one month, review and revise them if necessary.

When you make a point of being together without the kids, work or other interruptions,
you form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots and keep you
connected. And you may even recover something important that you lost – your best
friend!

For those of you who feel like you’ve lost your best friend, I pray that implementing some of the things Alisa suggests might help you find him again.

I asked Alisa several more questions in our interview, so check back in a week for more practical tools and words of wisdom. In the meantime, let’s strive to be a little more radiant in our marriages this week.