Before I got married, one of my friends was trying to help me understand the reality that takes place after the honeymoon ends. She began by saying, “the first year of marriage is hard.” I nodded, having heard that before. Then she went on to say, “and the second year of marriage is hard.” I’m thinking, “oh wow, okay, I guess I’ll prepare myself for that.” Then she continued, “and the third year is hard.” Now by this time, I’m thinking, “hmm, how was this little talk supposed to help me again?”
I actually didn’t find the first year of marriage to be hard at all. My husband and I adjusted unusually well to our new life together. However, I know that’s not true for many women. And as the years go on, the struggles can begin to build.
Could you benefit from some words of wisdom when it comes to strengthening your marriage? Would you like to join me in discovering how to be a little more radiant in our marriages? If so, keep reading because I interviewed an expert. Let me introduce you to her.
Alisa Grace serves as a consultant to the Biola University Center for Marriage and
Rel
ationships where she also co-teaches a class with her husband, Chris, on Christian
perspectives on marriage and relationships. Together they teach, speak, blog and do
research on how to build and sustain healthy relationships by combining the timeless truths of Scripture with scholarly insights. Every year they speak nation-wide to thousands of married couples, college students, singles and churches—on topics like
communication, conflict, dating and marriage – sharing foundational and practical insights on enhancing intimacy.
While she speaks regularly on topics such as dating relationships, marriage and love, she
also loves mentoring younger women and newly married couples, speaking at retreats
and providing premarital counseling. She also previously served as the associate
teaching director for Community Bible Study in Fullerton, CA. Alisa and Chris live in the
Southern California area with their three children, Drew and his wife Julia, Natalie and
her husband Neil, and their unexpected blessing – Caroline.
In my interview with Alisa, I asked her what is one of the top issues couples face. Here is her reply:
One of the most frequent complaints we hear from couples about their relationship
revolves around the lack of time alone together. This can be particularly true for
couples that have kids. Especially during the first five years of starting a family, they
tend to put their relationship on the back burner.
While couples with young children may spend more time together, it’s usually less time alone together. Their conversations tend toward the functional (“We have a parent/teacher meeting after school today”), as opposed to relational (“How are you doing today? I’m so glad you’re home!”) As a result, bitterness and disconnect infiltrate their marriages, feelings of loneliness develop, and couples oftentimes perceive that they have suffered a great loss – their best friend.
I don’t know about you, but as a mom of two small children, I can certainly relate to a lack of alone time with my hubby. It can be challenging to find that time together or make it a priority.
Alisa went on to say:
Feeling disconnected from your spouse is a warning sign that your schedule is out of
control, and your relationship is in danger of growing apart. In other words, if you’re too
busy to find time alone together, you’re too busy!
The good news is that most couples don’t need major changes to positively impact their relationship.
Research shows that couples that spend at least 30 minutes a day alone together have better marriages. Other research shows that spending just five hours
more together per week moves couples from striving to thriving. In fact, it is small,
positive actions, done frequently, that make the biggest difference. Couples just need to
find a little more time together in order for their relationship to get back on track,
reconnect and flourish.
Wow, who knew that just 30 minutes a day alone together could make that much of an impact? I think 30 minutes sounds doable. Do you?
Here’s how Alisa suggests creating more time in your schedule.
Four Practical Steps to Create More Time Together
1. Write down and discuss your current schedules and activities. Note the amount
of time per week you each spend on each activity.
2. Divide all listed activities into two categories:
A. Non Negotiable (static items you can’t really change, such as the need to
work and earn a living):
Work
School
Childcare
Church
B. Negotiable (those activities that can be changed/altered):
How much work (overtime/# of days per week/weekends)
How much school (number of units/classes taken)
Time spent on volunteer activities, ministries, etc.
Time spent on technology: Social media, TV, video games, cell phone, etc.
Time spent on hobbies
Time spent socially with friends/extended family
Time spent on children’s activities (sports, activities, entertainment, volunteering in classrooms, coaching, etc.)
3. Pray over it and decide which of your own negotiable activities should be either
curtailed in length/frequency or perhaps even discontinued completely.
Depending on your starting point, shoot for an equal amount of give and take for
both of you. However, if you’re the one that is over-committed, you may need to
trim a bit more from your own list than your spouse.
4. Set a timetable of 30 days to enact the changes in both your schedules. At the
end of one month, review and revise them if necessary.
When you make a point of being together without the kids, work or other interruptions,
you form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots and keep you
connected. And you may even recover something important that you lost – your best
friend!
For those of you who feel like you’ve lost your best friend, I pray that implementing some of the things Alisa suggests might help you find him again.
I asked Alisa several more questions in our interview, so check back in a week for more practical tools and words of wisdom. In the meantime, let’s strive to be a little more radiant in our marriages this week.
Go Be Radiant 