Instructing and Responding to Your Kids

Parenting can be both perplexing and exhausting at times. So when I read an article called, How to Speak to Your Children When They Misbehave, that Focus on the Family posted on their website, I found it to be really practical and refreshing.

The authors, Wendy Speake, and Amber Lia, shared a handful of scenarios that parents of toddlers to teens can relate to. More importantly, they shared some scripted responses we can tuck away in our parenting tool belt.

Though the article focused on scripted responses to various situations, I was more impacted by how the coaching and disciplining of our children doesn’t just serve to modify behavior but also to develop character.

I realized that my discipline efforts have been a little short-sighted. In How To Speak to Your Children When They Misbehave, I was challenged with a more long-term approach. The authors purport, “The goal is for our kids to be so used to thinking about the impact of their actions that they grow into adults who instinctively evaluate their choices instead of being mastered by their desires or emotions.”

Yes! That’s exactly what I want for my boys! I want them to learn to instinctively evaluate their choices, not yell and scream because they didn’t get their way!

I also want to instill in them a sense of gratefulness. So often they pout and whine when they ask for something and my husband or I say no. It can be frustrating for us because we give them so much. But in How To Speak to Your Children When They Misbehave, the authors reminded me that “…contentment is a character trait that must be learned. It doesn’t come naturally.”

We have to find ways to teach them to be content, instead of unrealistically expecting them to just naturally be content. If we were honest, many of us adults would say that’s a lesson for us too.

Another lesson that’s difficult for kids and some parents alike is that of putting things back where they belong. The shoes go ON the shoe rack (not in front of it, not in the middle of the entry way…sorry, pet peeve of mine), the dirty clothes go in the laundry basket, the toys go back in their bins. My kids know this, but getting them to do it is a whole different story. Getting them to do it without being reminded…well, let’s just say we have not arrived yet.

When I grow weary of reminding and repeating, I need to remember this from the article I read,“We teach them to put their socks in the laundry basket not just because we want them to be organized but because we want them to be characterized by integrity and a willingness to go the extra mile.”

Yes! I want my kids to be characterized by integrity, the willingness to go the extra mile, and to be self-disciplined. Do you want that for your kids or grandkids? How do we do that? The authors of the article suggest this: “First we disciple our kids with words, then we discipline them with consequences, and finally they grow to be self-disciplined.”

I love that approach, but I would also add that we need to have an “outrageous commitment,” to borrow a phrase from Charlotte Gambill, to faithfully and consistently discipline our children. Sometimes I grow weary of it. I find disciplining my children to be incredibly draining at times, but I have to stick with it no matter what because that might just be one of the greatest things I can ever do for them.

One of the things my husband and I pray for our kids is that they would know Jesus and follow Him all of their days. Sometimes I forget that helping them develop in the everyday things can actually impact their spiritual growth as well. The authors of How To Speak to Your Children When They Misbehave, put it this way: “When we equip our kids to develop a strong work ethic in the everyday tasks, we prepare them to establish a strong spiritual ethic, too.”

Though every stage of parenting is going to bring new challenges, I feel like I’ve gained a longer-term perspective. I think my parenting weariness will be bolstered as I remind myself that instructing, coaching and disciplining my kids now directly impacts their long-term character and spiritual development.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, or the article by Wendy Speake, and Amber Lia.

In the meantime, let us go be radiant this week!