Marriage, Part 2 (Just Take The Exit!)

Last fall, my husband and I took the kids on a trip to California. The plane ride went remarkably well. The car ride, however, did not.

It was only supposed to be a four-hour trip. While that would have been challenging enough with two small children, it turned into an excruciating, blood-pressure-raising-seven-hour trip.

About four hours into it, the 3-year-old starts getting whinny. Then the 5-month-old starts getting fussy. Uh oh. His cries start to escalate. I’m sitting in the back of the van, seatbelt fully extended, trying to reach my baby’s hands to calm him down. It’s not working. I’m starting to feel helpless here. What a horrible feeling!

Meanwhile, navigation has totally led us astray and we are in bumper to bumper LA traffic. Could it go any slower? The crying gets louder and my blood pressure gets higher. My husband asks from the front, “Babe, do you think we should get off here?” I hear my not so gracious response, “JUST TAKE THE EXIT!”

Let’s just say that was not one of my more radiant moments.

Sometimes it’s hardest to be radiant in our very own marriages and in our relationships, isn’t it?

Since we are on a quest to be radiant, I thought I would seek out the help of an expert. If you saw my post, Marriage, Part 1, then you know I interviewed Alisa Grace, Consultant for Biola University’s Center for Marriage and Relationships. She has some really helpful and practical tools for us.

So without further ado, here is the next installment of my interview with Alisa.

I asked Alisa, “What might we be doing unwittingly to undermine our relationships?”

Here is her insightful response:

Research shows that we tend to interpret each other’s responses or behaviors as
more negative than the other person actually intended them – and this is
especially true during a conflict. In other words, we tend to assume the worst of
the other person and assign much more negative intentions instead assuming
the best.

I know I’ve been guilty of this at times. Have you? It’s so easy to just immediately assume the worst, isn’t it?

Alisa went on to share:
In healthy relationships, two people are willing to give each other the benefit of
the doubt and assume the other had the best of intentions.

Say my husband walks in the door after work and is a little bit snippy or short with me. I can assume he’s mad at me for some reason or even that he’s just being a jerk. Or…I
can choose to assume that perhaps something happened at work that caused
him some distress, frustration or pain.

Either he’s late for dinner because I assume he’s thoughtless and inconsiderate, or instead I choose to consider that he may be late for dinner because he had a car problem or perhaps someone stopped him as he was walking out the door with an issue that had to be
addressed immediately.

Negative assumptions prime the pump for conflict, misperceptions,
misinterpretations, and create an environment where your spouse feels
untrusted and unfairly judged. In other words, it sets you up as adversaries and
opponents.

In contrast, when you choose to give each other the benefit of the doubt and
assume the best of your spouse, you come into the conversation with much
more patience, empathy and understanding for the other person, thus creating an environment of emotional safety and compassion. This approach is much
more likely to make you feel positive toward your husband, like you are
teammates and helpmates.

I love how Alisa noted that it’s a choice on our part. We don’t have to give in to any kind of inclination to react negatively, and assume the worst. We can instead choose to respond positively and assume the best. What a valuable principle, not just for our marriages, but for relationships in general.

I also love the idea of “creating an environment of emotional safety and compassion.” That is definitely the kind of environment I want to have in my home, with my husband, my family and friends.

Alisa goes on to share something else that we sometimes tend to do that could undermine our relationships, and it involves our attention.

As women, we also think we’re good at multi-tasking. I can do the dishes, answer
my daughter’s homework questions and write a blog all at the same time. Or at
least I think I can.

One time I was folding some laundry when my husband came into the bedroom, sat down on the bed and began telling me a story about his day at work. As he talked and talked, I continued to fold and fold. Suddenly I noticed he had stopped talking. I quickly looked up to find him waiting patiently for me to look up at him. Although I truly was listening, by looking at the laundry as I continued to fold it, he felt like I wasn’t really listening to him. He said that although he knew I was listening, when I didn’t stop and make eye contact with him, it made him feel like the laundry was more important to me than him.
Ouch!

Research shows that humans are actually pretty bad at multi-tasking. The way our memories work, we only remember that to which we pay attention. For example, have you ever taken a shower and been so deep in thought that you couldn’t remember if you washed your hair? 
We can make others feel ignored, unheard and unimportant when we don’t give them our full attention during a conversation. Sometimes, we just have to ask ourselves, “Which is more important to me: getting the laundry done or my husband? Finishing this email or my child?”

So, set the work report aside, put down the cell phone and look the other person right in the eye while they’re talking. And really listen to them! There aren’t many more powerful ways to communicate to someone, “I love you and you are more important to me than anything else!”

I never want my husband or other loved ones to feel ignored, unheard or unimportant. But I confess that I often find it challenging to always stop what I’m doing and give them my full attention. I suppose it’s a bit of a Mary vs. Martha thing.  I’m especially bad at this while doing the dishes. I can be carrying on a conversation, nodding my head, “uh huh-ing” but only making minimal eye contact. How sad (and convicting) to realize that I might be making someone feel unheard or unimportant when I do that.

In my quest to be radiant this week (and on-going), I’m going to make an extra effort to give others the benefit of the doubt. I’m also going to try to give people my full attention (as much as I can with two young children running around).

Please share your thoughts and comments below! Alisa and I would love to hear from you!

.