Marriage, Part 3

In our series on marriage and relationships, I believe I have saved the best for last. In the last installment of my interview with Alisa Grace, Consultant to Biola University’s Center for Marriage and Relationships, she shares some sage advice for those who are struggling in their marriage, those who are looking for more emotional intimacy with their spouse and the one thing that has made the most difference in her own marriage.

Here is my question to Alisa: For women really struggling in their marriages right now, where should they start? What should they do?

As I read her reply, I was shocked at how long unhappy couples wait to get help.

Here is her reply:
1. Seek outside help. Unfortunately, most couples wait much too long to reach out for
help repairing their marriage. According to relationship and marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help.
Think about that for a moment. Couples have six years to build up resentment before
they begin the important work of learning to resolve differences in effective ways.

Couples counseling can be beneficial for a number of reasons. Terry Gaspard, a licensed clinical social worker, offers these thoughts:

• If toxic relationship patterns can be identified early and agreed upon, the process
  of real change can begin.
• A motivated couple can begin to explore their problems from a new perspective
  and learn new ways to recognize and resolve conflicts as a result of the tools
  provided by the therapist.
• Partners can begin to build trust and improve communication that may have
  eroded the quality of their interactions.
• A couples counselor can provide “neutral territory” to help couples agree upon and work through tough issues with support.

2. Intentionally add more positive interactions with your husband. Research shows
happy couples practice the 5 to 1 Ratio – for every negative interaction with your
partner, add five positive ones. This helps create a full “love bank” of appreciation,
affection and acknowledgement that you can make a withdrawal from in times of a
negative interaction without bankrupting your relationship.  

3. Spend time together actively building your friendship. Do some of the same
activities you did when you were dating. Gottman says that friendship is the glue that
can hold a marriage together: “Couples who know each other intimately [and] are well
versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams are couples
who make it.” Text sweet messages to your husband. When he talks, really pay
attention and listen to him without giving advice or correction.

When you or he comes home from work, greet him at the door with a big smile, a hug and quick kiss, saying, “Hi! I’m so glad you’re home!” Even though you may not actually feel that way right now, research shows that our emotions tend to follow our behaviors. So if you behave more affectionate and loving, you’ll soon start to feel that way. You may even find that your husband begins to reciprocate after a while.

My husband and I try to always greet each other warmly when one of us arrives home. Even if we’ve had a crazy, stressful or otherwise frazzling kind of day, we want the other person to feel loved when they walk in the door. We also encourage our kids to be excited that Daddy or Mommy is home. It shows them that we value each other.

Knowing that couples don’t always feel very connected at an emotional level, I asked Alisa, How can couples try to deepen their emotional intimacy?

Here is her reply:
I would recommend reading, “His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof
Marriage,” by Dr. Willard Harley. In his book he identifies the 10 most vital emotional
needs of men and women and shows spouses how to meet those needs for each other.
This particular book has been transformational in my own marriage!

Here is my last question for Alisa:  What’s one thing that has made the most difference in your own marriage?

Here is her reply:
PRAYER! Prayer changes things; prayer changes me. One prayer can change anything; one prayer can change everything! And you just might be one prayer away from a different marriage.

Proverbs 14: 1 says, “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own
hands tears it down.” My good friend, Erin Smalley, program manager of marriage
ministries at Focus on the Family, offered six great reasons of why it’s important to pray
for your marriage and your husband:

1. Prayer reflects the intimate relationship you have with your husband. You are the only one on this earth who knows him at his core. You can look across the room and tell when he has something on his mind; you can detect when he is stressed; you know his weaknesses and where the Enemy would like to go after him. You can pray about his challenges and for the Lord to protect him, shield him, expand his wisdom and develop his convictions.
2. Prayer builds intimacy and oneness in your marriage. Because oneness is the superpower of marriage, the Enemy loves to sow discord between a husband and wife. As a wife, you get to stand against the Enemy by pursuing Greg through prayer. It also helps to build your relationship with the Lord at the same time it strengthens your relationship with your husband.
3. Prayer sends a strong message that your husband is a priority in your life. You have soccer practice, basketball games, doctors appointments, haircuts — you get my drift. But, when your husband knows that you see him and you are praying for him, it sends a strong message that you value him and he is a priority in your life.
4. Prayer softens your heart and adjusts your view of my husband. When you go before the Lord in humble prayer, your heart softens and you find your strong, prideful opinions soften as well. You begin to see beyond the negative conclusions about your husband that you often jump to.
5. Prayer helps your husband. The Holy Spirit works in miraculous ways. Although we can’t fully explain how, you know that God is faithful and He helps when you pray for your husband to have wisdom, conviction or insight. Wives were created to be helpmates — what better way to be a helper than to pray for your husband?
6. Prayer builds your husband up. Sometimes it’s much easier to notice what your husband is not doing rather than acknowledging what he is doing. Praying for him is a way you can personally affirm him. You get to build up your husband with your words instead of tearing him down.

One of my own favorite scriptures is Psalm 116: 1:
“I love the LORD because He hears and He answers my prayers. Because He
bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.”

God hears. God listens. God answers. God cares…deeply.

So don’t give up. Don’t lose hope. Keep praying.

In our quest to be radiant in our marriages, let’s remember Alisa’s words, “You just might be one prayer away from a different marriage!”