Parenting Tips

Before I became a mom, I thought parents had the whole parenting thing figured out. And then I became a parent and realized just what a myth that was!

Being a stay-at-home-mom is by far the most difficult job I’ve ever had, and the most rewarding. While I love it, I also have moments (which really means days) where I struggle. It can feel really stressful trying to meet the needs of little ones who don’t have high emotional intelligence yet.

I thought perhaps others might struggle with parenting too, so I enlisted the help of an expert. His name is Dr. Ray E. Liles and he is a man near and dear to my heart.

Dr. Liles, LCSW has four college degrees including both a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree from USC and a Doctor of Social Welfare degree from UCLA.

He practiced psychotherapy with individuals, families, and groups for 40 years and taught classes related to human behavior and family issues for many years at both the undergraduate and graduate levels.

In addition, he has been a sought after consultant and conducted numerous well received workshops and trainings at local, state, national, and international conferences and has publications in his fields of interest. He is now retired.

Dr. Liles is married, the proud father of two sons and a daughter, and the proud grandfather of five thriving grandchildren.

Below is my interview with Dr. Liles, (I call him Dad).

Q:  In what ways do parents tend to feel like they are failing the most? What are some things parents can do to overcome those feelings of failure?

A:  “Parents usually feel they are failing when their children of any age are struggling. Overcoming those feelings of failure is based on resolving to try and continue to help your children while letting them grow and learn to cope. No parent needs to be the best or perfect parent but we can all try to be good enough.”

I so appreciate Dr. Lile’s encouragement that we don’t have to be the best parent or the perfect parent. I can be a little hard on myself when I do something that doesn’t make me feel like the parent I want to be.

One thing that helps me is remembering that God is the one who entrusted me to be the mom to my boys and therefore, I believe He thinks I’m the right one for the job. Maybe it’s about trying to be the best mom I can (with God’s help) and knowing that’s all I can do and that’s enough. I’m also incredibly grateful for my husband, who is a great Dad! I’m a better mom because of the Dad he is.

Q: What are a couple of tips for parents who are facing significant and ongoing behavioral challenges with their children?

A: “Don’t try to handle those things alone. Read, get some counseling, and, if at all possible, talk to other parents facing similar challenges. Share your successes and struggles and listen carefully to theirs.”

Q: How does parenting change as kids grow older? What advice do you have for parents who have small children now?

A: “Parenting small children is really a constant sense of joy and loss. The child of today is growing and developing and the child of yesterday is gone. Parents have to do the same. Today parent a little differently from yesterday and leave some things behind.”

I asked Dr. Liles to elaborate on his answer. This is how he responded:

“If you have a child who now can run, you slowly and incrementally let go of that child’s hands as he or she began to walk. All parenting is like that. A bit more complex later on but it’s still holding on when it’s needed and letting go when it’s not. Have faith in your child’s growth like somebody hopefully had faith in you.”

It’s rather bittersweet, isn’t it? We love holding on to our little one’s hand as they are learning to walk, but as we let them go, they can run. We love to see them thrive and flourish, while simultaneously missing watching them get to that place.

Q: When and how should a parent introduce the concept of money to their child?

A: “The concept of money can be introduced as soon as a child begins to count. Coins and dollar bills are a great way to help a child learn arithmetic. The value of money can begin to be learned when a child “trades” his or her coins for a little special treat.”

“Somewhat older children should be given the opportunity to earn money at home for chores above and beyond their normally required ones. When they later ask for something at the store (like candy or a small toy) the natural answer, said with a smile, is ‘do you have the money for that?'”

Dr. Liles goes on to say, “Learning the value of money is a developmental issue. Many adults, including me, are still trying to learn the value of money.”

I love the idea of a child “trading” his or her coins for a special treat. I had never thought about it like that before.

One thing we are doing with our almost 4-year-old is reading a series of book by Dave Ramsey. Check out the link here. They are cute stories with different concepts related to money, how it’s earned and how it can be stewarded.

We also use a piggy bank with three categories: Save, Spend, and Give. So whenever our little man receives coins, he can choose the category in which they go and begin to understand different ways to use money.

Q: How would you encourage a parent to find a good balance between making sure their child is safe and protected without overly hovering? (Freedom vs. control).

A: “The best way to balance freedom vs. control is to realize neither should be total. Parenting is providing teaching, guidance, and common sense safety. One guideline is to separate your own issues from your child’s.”

Dr. Liles goes on to say, “When I was about 13 some of my junior high school friends planned a parent supervised, beach trip and invited me to go along. My mother was adamantly, and I thought unreasonably, opposed to my going. So, I played a relatively unusual game of divide and conquer and talked to my dad who talked her into letting me go. Turned out she didn’t know how to swim. It was news to me. I had been swimming like a fish for years. it was her issue, not mine.”

“One summer later on, I went on a similar, parent supervised beach trip with mostly the same kids. I literally saved a classmate’s life when we were swept off the end of a jetty by a rogue wave. It turned out she couldn’t swim and so I just towed her to the nearest boat that had come to our aid.”

“A few years later I became a certified SCUBA diver and later a SCUBA instructor and even did some underwater photography. Not bad for a kid who’s mother didn’t want to let him go to the beach.”

“So, provide common sense safely while separating your issues from your child’s. Don’t deny your children the opportunity to occasionally fail on their own and you won’t deny them the opportunity to succeed on their own.”

What great advice! Sometimes I say “no” when my child wants to do something, thinking he’s going to fail. Instead, I should consider allowing it and he might just succeed!

Q: What are three things parents can do this week to have a better relationship with their kids or grandkids?

A: “1. Reach out this week lovingly and kindly and just let them know you are there. 2. Catch them doing something right and point out a strength. 3. Think of one way to let them or help them be who they are.”

If you are looking for resources, Dr. Liles recommends the website healthychildren.org.

I want to say a big Thank You to Dr. Liles for sharing his wisdom and insight with us. I have learned some really helpful nuggets to begin applying with my little guys.

All you other parents and grandparents out there, please share one piece of parenting wisdom you think we all could benefit from.

Let’s go be radiant in our parenting, grandparenting or whatever role we have with kids this week.